Handcuffed in the Matrix

A blank page and a cursor blinking, good lines to start off with.I just scrolled back and corrected the spelling of "gud" to "good", what was I trying to achieve? Perfection!, naah I'm not one of those ambitious and motivated individuals, I wanted to be precise or rather follow the corrrect path. Why do I want to do that? Yes, hard to accept but I was motivated by one of the basic needs of mankind.The need of being accepted and appreciated by the society.
Fear is an extension of this need. To be more precise, an average person is motivated by fear, in this case social acceptability drives an average individual to follow and achieve excellence in what is being done in th respective society.
I want to emphasise on the average man, because an average person is often mistaken to be a commoner. But what people dont realise is that every great individual is average in many ways and it is the "social perception" that makes him above average.Also what an average person doesn't realise is that he is below average in many ways, again via "social perception".
"Social perception" is indeed a strong infact the strongest force in the human society. It can cause a Rennaisance, can dethrone monarchs,can free countries and what is most ironical, disperse the truth like magic through the wand.
"Social perception" formed by people, who constitute a society.A Society is important for the weak,because it protects it and exploits it simultaneously."There is no free lunch."

Wandering Cloud

As i wore my headphones around

and heard the guitar jiggle so loud...

the beats were goin up and down,

of savage garden playin metldown...

I felt like a lonely cloud,flying in harmony over and around..

of valleys,seas and distant lands...

which meant nothing,but bits of pan.....

This is what music can do ..

make you a wanderer when you got things to do :)

THE YEAR 2009: MEMOIRS

It’s been another eventful year, looking back I could see myself as an engineering graduate, passing out of college with two job offers, a healthy percentage,bunch of friends and memories to be cherished for a life time.The future seemed promising and like any normal person I had started savouring on the days to come.I had my planning done, I was all set to join “accenture” by sep 2008,which had been my dream company as an engineering student.I was young and I had plans of working for a big name,seeking status among friends and acting humble.It’s easy to befool your self at times (in fact it’s the easiest thing in the world).I thought i’d seen a lot in life and had become wise and somehow had lost respect for people around in my sub concious mind as I’d started judging them.These things are subtle.You might think yourself as a an idealist or “A good person” but human beings are so much into self obsession that they often land up overlooking the the devil in them,creating a self image which when breaks leaves them shattered for a while making them into newbie philatropists and bloggers :)
So I had my moment of truth some where around Sep’08 when “Lehmann Brothers” filed for bankaruptcy.This news assured everyone with a little common sense that there were troubled waters ahead.But I was somewhat happy that I had offer from a “big company” like accenture who pretended to be sailing smooth in these times as well.So I waited for my joining date confidently, which gradually changed into hope by dewali and to despair post dewali.2009 was approaching and we were almost told that we might not receive our joining till June 2009.
Meanwhile some unfortunate incidents happened with our batch. One of our friends “Neha Jain” passed away in a tragic Bus accident. She was walking on the correct side but still was run over by a lunatic driver of a local bus. Her elder sister was getting married in a week. She fought for her life for 15 days in the ICU, the photographs shook my soul.A shiver still runs down through my spine when I remember seeing those.I felt like a pigheaded, selfish asshole who was cribbing for something so base(joining date).After many years I hated myself.
I had earlier got a call from iGATE for a support job for the time being but I had told them to call me only for a s/w engg.The gods were kind with me and HRs from iGATE responded positively by calling me on 08-Jan-09 as a s/w engg.Ironically the next batch called @iGATE was in June’09.I realised I had been lucky but wasn’t grateful enough.I still wanted to be in accenture. It is human weakness to believe the grass to be greener in distant lands.
Igate has been my lucky charm since time in memory. It was my first company which I cracked as a student and life took a positive turn after that. In such peak recession time as well it was iGATE which came to my rescue. After three months of training which was an unforgettable experience in it’s own. On May 10th 2009 I, along with four other batch mates were selected for the GE-Commercial Finance project and a new journey began :)


Corp Apps:No it’s not coporate Apes, it’s the name of my team, though we prefer being called by the latter.
Corp Apps could best be defined as a bunch of intellectal lunatics,who are graded for not how good they are at work but how good they are at pulling each others leg (Of course thats the humorous side).
Work and fun blended beautifully at this place. I’d heard about s/w engineers being cool and happening. It was the first time I realised the same.People around were educated,humble,had exquisite manners and also had a tremendous sense of humour, which characterized them distinctly in the team. It was the first time I saw what exactly is being a part of a team is, helping the newbies, not getting irritated, sharing mistakes though it might sound like a “Eutopian state” but I did have my share of politics. But again all these faces were part of what Group dynamics says:”Forming,Storming,Norming”.
“Happiness is like humility,the moment you realize you are humble,you are not”
-Jedda Krishnamurthy
I was happy working at iGATE and I didn’t realise it until the day I got my joining for Accenture as 31st of Aug ‘09. It was a tough decision to make, as I’d got my joining for Gurgaon which was closer to home.I was in a fix, it was a catch22 situation. I consulted friends but it was me who had to make a decision.I had decided to join Accenture. On the way home that day I looked around and realized that I was happy here, and going to an unknown place among unknown people is not what I want.
I was not ambitious but I was a status seeker, being ambitious is healthy, being a status seeker, pathetic. I introspected and decided not to run after accenture which had ditched me at the time of need.I decided to stick to iGATE at the very last moment. A decision which brought about immense degree of satisfaction and pride with it. :)

So it’s been one year now at Igate,with every passing day I learn new things, there are good times which I cherish and bad times which help me realise the importance of the former.I make mistakes, curse my self make them again,and finally learn. Day after day I see my self grooming up for the future,which is uncertain.I feel nervous,feeling of doubt,hopelessness and fear at times broods over me. But I’m learning to walk through them as it is the best way out.

Eye of the tiger

Risin' up, back on the street

Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

To crib or not to crib...

Hail thee…I’d been exhausted by the office schedule these days, always wanted this time to blog, an empty room, silence to facilitate introspection and pen down what I feel.
Blogging is such a relaxation, especially to an oxymoronic species like me.
It’s been close to nine months now, working in the IT industry, coming in formals on weekdays and in collared T-shirts on Fridays (I hate spending money on collared T-shirts!!),trying to gel up with team members whom I dislike, being friendly and cool with people around, Genuine-ness has a place as well. Work is taken up with utmost sincerity. That is where the shoe pinches. I miss being an irresponsible guy, someone whom I’ve always been, far away from sincerity and worldly tantrums, I need some breathing space. Guess I’m getting transformed into a boring adult. Working 10 hours a day, going to bed thinking about one of the college crushes and damning the present life only to realize the past would never come, the past which is always so sweet, which I miss so much, my mistakes, my pain, my sufferings, my achievements, the people who were a part of it, friends, foes and people whom I’ve never talked to. I miss them all. I like cribbing, like any other human being. Is it bad to complain? Is it bad to seek for sympathy? Why is it, that we need to be strong (ya ohkay….to live in this bad bad world..I know that…but let me crib…atleast in my blog)
God is such a hypocrite entity. Why couldn’t we have a utopian heaven for every one.
All would have been happy. I see people around. They are so afraid to trust. The feeling of distrust is mutual. Hence every one acts in a so called “professional way”….i’ll do this you do that….give and take…….good and bad…give me a break…...ahhhhhhhhhhh It’s so relaxing cribbing here…..I feel better now….It’s 5:00 am in the morning and there is no one on the floor. Out office has adopted the go green policy so we have sensors installed through out the floors. Light is available at only those places where there is some movement. Needless to say my cubicle is the only place with lights on. I raise my head to see darkness that spreads across the floor devoid of people at this hour. It’s good, I like it this ways. This is my kingdom, solitude or loneliness whatever u may call it …here I am spending time with myself….something which I always wanted to do in recent days.

Fatalism

People say “our choices determine are future”…I seriously doubt this saying….being a fatalist……now wikipedia defines “fatalism” as subjugation of all events to pre-determinism such that free will does not exist. The definition seems to be partially correct, when it talks about subjugation to pre-determinism but incorrect when it says the absence of free will.
We will try to explore this. To begin with, Do we choose our parents? Do we choose the place we are going to take birth? The answer to these fundamental questions is “No”.
As we grow into adults we develop an ego (With respect to the feeling of ‘I’) which rules over our senses and makes us believe that we are in control. We live in our own small world where things are as simple as 1+1=2. But welcome to the real world, Things go out of control when we start daring…..trying to solve complex equations........Humans beings have always endeavored to explore their limits. Daring is the ship which needs to be boarded to do the same. People dare….those who fail, reconcile to destiny and some who succeed say nothing is impossible. But we’ll talk here about the third lot. This lot who has made it really big and knows that there is a silver lining of luck/destiny between success and failure. These are people who have realized that they were destined or chosen to act in such a way or to succeed in such a way in order to change lives around them. Hence they do not get themselves burdened with the feeling of “I’ve done it”. They are as humble as a tree bearing a lot of fruits bending down to the earth by the weight of it’s qualities.
Albert Einstine,Warren Buffet are people belonging to this league.
Returning back to choices. Life is all about making choices. We need to seek for inspiration before we make a choice internal or external. This is where the concept of god comes in. God which to me symbolizes the epitome of free-will. If we act through our free will (which might be inspired from the environment around) we act through the will of God because our free will is a part of the same. Therefore making an effort is important, because it is only action or karma that counts and contributes to any changes around, which might be good or bad.Either ways we will be acting by the will of god and inturn by our own free will. Human beings have always allowed their ego to blind them of this basic fundmental, that is why I reckon Wikipedia defines fatalism as non-existence of free will J

Love makes the world go round....

Another tiring day in the office and I was returning to home in the bus………a wave of thoughts stormed my mind…..about life, love and existence……I felt lonely and lost wondering where my life is leading me……… far away from home….in busy Bangalore……I missed my family and friends…..my b’day was around but I didn’t feel excited about it at all….had I grown up?….but why was I so dull??......it was the first time in many months I had started to feel lonely….which of course was very painful as “man is a social animal”……….I looked around in the bus…I saw people with dull faces… as lost as myself….searching for happiness…which seemed to be a myth….”joy”…had always made more sense to me…..it is some thing we can achieve…something that is visible…....but “joy” again is a temporary state….and what humans seek for is happiness which goes hand in hand with satisfaction……anything which makes u satisfied is bound to make u happy…….I wondered what could make me happy…..I wondered what I wanted out of life…??......The doors of the Volvo opened up on a stop and a “Bengali couple” stepped in………they seemed mid-aged…but were very much in love….I saw there eyes…..they were glowing with happiness….it was as easy as spotting life in a desert…….the man insisted the lady to sit on the only available seat….the lady didn’t feel like sitting alone….they seemed to be enjoying this........their faces spoke more of what they felt……..I offered my seat to the guy so that they can sit together and felt blessed to have found the answers to my questions…..

The Butcher Shop

The hens lay resting in the rooster coupe…..stuffed ,one on top of ,and against each other…packed like a living bunch of meat…..eyed upon by the street dogs….waiting near the roadside….licking the feathers that lie under the cage of a hen previously executed ….which had been among one of them….which like these had watched others crying and croaking in pain when the butcher’s iron knife went pass their throat……cutting it through with insensitive strokes……till finally the cries are no more heard the butcher shop returns to the mundane silence of the daily life……people pass by the butcher shop………..hearing the hue and cries….some ignorant…..some…sensitive enough to feel sorry…..but forget as soon as they reach the next turn…….

Kindness

(by Naomi Shihab Nye)

Before you know what kindness really is you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a momentlike salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ridethinking the bus will never stop,the passengers eating maize and chickenwill stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,how he too was someone who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrowsand you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,only kindness that ties your shoesand sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,only kindness that raises its headfrom the crowd of the world to sayit is I you have been looking for,and then goes with you every wherelike a shadow or a friend.