Love makes the world go round....

Another tiring day in the office and I was returning to home in the bus………a wave of thoughts stormed my mind…..about life, love and existence……I felt lonely and lost wondering where my life is leading me……… far away from home….in busy Bangalore……I missed my family and friends…..my b’day was around but I didn’t feel excited about it at all….had I grown up?….but why was I so dull??......it was the first time in many months I had started to feel lonely….which of course was very painful as “man is a social animal”……….I looked around in the bus…I saw people with dull faces… as lost as myself….searching for happiness…which seemed to be a myth….”joy”…had always made more sense to me…..it is some thing we can achieve…something that is visible…....but “joy” again is a temporary state….and what humans seek for is happiness which goes hand in hand with satisfaction……anything which makes u satisfied is bound to make u happy…….I wondered what could make me happy…..I wondered what I wanted out of life…??......The doors of the Volvo opened up on a stop and a “Bengali couple” stepped in………they seemed mid-aged…but were very much in love….I saw there eyes…..they were glowing with happiness….it was as easy as spotting life in a desert…….the man insisted the lady to sit on the only available seat….the lady didn’t feel like sitting alone….they seemed to be enjoying this........their faces spoke more of what they felt……..I offered my seat to the guy so that they can sit together and felt blessed to have found the answers to my questions…..

The Butcher Shop

The hens lay resting in the rooster coupe…..stuffed ,one on top of ,and against each other…packed like a living bunch of meat…..eyed upon by the street dogs….waiting near the roadside….licking the feathers that lie under the cage of a hen previously executed ….which had been among one of them….which like these had watched others crying and croaking in pain when the butcher’s iron knife went pass their throat……cutting it through with insensitive strokes……till finally the cries are no more heard the butcher shop returns to the mundane silence of the daily life……people pass by the butcher shop………..hearing the hue and cries….some ignorant…..some…sensitive enough to feel sorry…..but forget as soon as they reach the next turn…….

Kindness

(by Naomi Shihab Nye)

Before you know what kindness really is you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a momentlike salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ridethinking the bus will never stop,the passengers eating maize and chickenwill stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,how he too was someone who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrowsand you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,only kindness that ties your shoesand sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,only kindness that raises its headfrom the crowd of the world to sayit is I you have been looking for,and then goes with you every wherelike a shadow or a friend.

Banglore Times....

So I got my second salary yesterday…………I’d decided to be happy about it but the fucking office routine had brooded over all my plans by the time I received the SMS for salary credit in my bank account……2 months in banaglore….things have been different than what I’d imagined……in either ways(good and bad)…………oh yes I bought an iPOD (shuffle 1GB silver color) much out of necessity than anything else. Life is lot more pleasant now as survival is easier……….Music is indeed an essential virtue in my life…………..after the rough office schedule I retire off to the PG terrace with my water bottle….a biscuit packet….put my phone on silence mode(after talking at home)……and switch on my iPOD……it is sooooo relaxing ……A.R.Rehman is such a genius….there is so much of reason involved in the slightest of the beads he includes in his composition…the meaning of which is derived by some later note in such a magical way……by the end of the song I find my self gasping (after a heavy air guitaring and head banging session)……..during the course of all these things I could see one next door guy sitting on the ladder of his terrace talking over the phone…..a bunch of people playing badminton on the road till as late as 11 in the night .........the music trance is often broken by the howling and barking of the street doggies which move around in gangs. Now I noticed a very special thing about the dogs of my area……these guys are very smart…..and survive by staying in groups…or gangs(to be more precise)…..they have well defined areas which they mark by pissing and covering there pee with the dust (I saw it in discovery channel…was good to see it in real life)….I often see these doggies pissing in front of our PG gate….no points for guessing that it is the LOC. Occasionally we witness gang wars between these guys……some of the reasons might be trespassing, food and the most obvious member of one community trying to hit on the chicks of the other……maaaan I tell u these doggies are so possessive about their girl friends…..I once accidently happened to be looking at one of the dogs……before I could realize that the dog was a “she dog” I could hear a grrrrrrrr……. Sound with her boy friends preparing for battle……thankfully they soon realized that I was just a mortal s/w engineer who’d been tired by the hectic office schedule and wud’ve probably be lost in some erroneous code…………and decided to spare me as I quietly did the patli gali se nikalne wala stunt…..

To be continued……………

"Sorry Blame it on me"-Akon

These lines are very close to my heart......one point or the other...everyone is bound to feel like this....

"Sorry, Blame It On Me"

As life goes on I’m starting to learn more and more about responsibilityI realize everything I do is affecting the people around meSo I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have doneAnd things that have not occurred yetAnd the things they don’t want to take responsibility forI’m sorry for the times I left you homeI was on the road and you were aloneI’m sorry for the times that I had to goI’m sorry for the fact that I did not knowThat you were sitting home just wishing weCould go back to when it was just you and meI’m sorry for the times I would neglectI’m sorry for the times I disrespectI’m sorry for the wrong things that I’ve doneI’m sorry I’m not always there for my sonI’m sorry for the fact that I'm not awareThat you can’t sleep at night when I am not thereBecause I am in the streets like everydaySorry for the things that I did not sayLike how you are the best thing in my worldAnd how I'm so proud to call you my girl[Bridge]I understand that there are some problemsAnd I am not too blind to knowAll the pain you kept inside youEven though you might not showIf I can apologize for being wrongThen it’s just a shame on meI’ll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me[Chorus]You can put the blame on me [4x]Said you can put the blame on me [3x]You can put the blame on me

A Tribute to Sourav Ganguly

In the blue jersey he came out to bat against the sri lankans with India chasing in one of the one day series matches….the year 1996-97…he had a lot of brilliance in his batting and on his face…walked with his head held high….broad shoulders…and a sparkling gold chain hanging down his throat…..India lost the match though but Sourav had made a fighting 31 not out….and shown some resistance and grit much to my expectations.

I’d been following the then new sensation of Indian Cricket Sourav Ganguly…(Rahul Dravid was the other)…..I was excited about the player…..had read about his dream test debut at lords…..the manner in which he was described as the would be legend by the cricket pundits made me even more eager to watch him play…..that was the first time I saw dada play…I was so happy I had found my hero…..everyone needs a role model in life…someone one could relate to…and learn from……everyone needs an example to follow….I found my inspiration in dada….though I didn’t know much about him then….but his majestic appearance and glory tales couldn’t help me be his fan.

           The years passed by…every inning every match …I was cheering for India and dada….deriving inspiration in one form or the other…..his story is nothing less than a fairy tale….both in personal and professional spheres…Marrying your childhood love against the will of your parents…..getting caught up in an extra marital affair….facing allegations that his selection in the team was more of favor than talent and proving everyone wrong…..dada had faced it early in his life….but little did he know that this was the beginning.

            So dada succeeded Azhar as captain…the Indian team got reformed under his captaincy….record books were filled with historical wins….like the natwest series win and India’s dream run of world cup 2003…success was at dada’s feet but something had changed in dada…..the grace of the Bengal tiger had changed into arrogance…as a fan I could smell it….and it was something that disappointed me…..sourav was loosing form….although the team was performing well…..there was a point when sourav was in the team only because he was the captain….but his attitude on and off the field was something I was not too happy about as a fan…sourav had changed….he didn’t earn much of my respect…..and even I wanted him out of the team…..ultimately because of his poor performance dada was out…..personally I felt bad and disappointed as a fan….or rather an ex-fan………Sourav had shown signs that he still wanted to play and claimed that he had a lot of cricket left in him…….as for me since he had failed my trust…I had no respect left for him…and I personally felt that it would be impossible for him to make his way back into the MSD team…but destiny had different plans….here we see how a person grows when everything seems to be going against him. Sourav Ganguly-the name was being mocked upon by everyone in the cricketing world….he seemed to be making a fool of himself by talking about a comeback….his fans had lost trust in his abilities…Sourav didn’t loose faith in himself…..even when the world was against him…this is something  sourav taught all his fans…

 

“Tough times never last….but tough people do”

-Robert Schuller

There are tough times in everyone’s life…..times we feel like letting go….times we feel helpless…..times we loose a bit of our brittle and precious self esteem….times we are on are knees and the world is trying to keep us permanently there….times we need to take a decision and show the courage to stick to it…..denying the opinion even our loved and trusted ones have about ourselves…….that is what being oneself is all about…..it sounds easy though….”Be Yourself”…..but the word my friends has a lot of meaning and not many have the guts to aim and claim the glory……Dada most certainly has this. He showed us the way……the way to act with courage when you need to act with it…….the way to be yourself when fear and doubt surrounds you and you get brooded all over with despair…..the way to:

 

“When you reach the end of the rope.......Tie a knot and hang on”

-Thomas Jefferson

 

Today I’m a proud dada fan….he has one my respect like anythingand shown me the way. Dada is again the old dada……proud but a lot more humble and mature something I’d craved to see in him……I salute you Sourav…we all will miss you. 

On Fear

Fear is what I fear a lot. Although at times it has been a motivating factor…but that adds to negative self esteem. I would never prefer doing a thing out of the fear of the outcome if I wouldn’t do it. But at times :

“Fear is useful”
-One of the Greek kings to Achilles in Troy.

It was the fear of being dominated by a superior species that caused the mice to live in hidden places. But after so many years of evolution it is the mice and the rodents that survive and not the dinosaurs….I wonder whom to refer as superior??
But again there is a difference between mice and men (Although they are a lot of similarities as well)….getting driven by fear hurts our ego….but we do it more often.
At times we may term it as common sense….like not walking in the middle of the highway for obvious reasons….but this should be treated as an exception.Hindu philosophy talks about Nirbhay and Abhay.The two words are slightly different.

Nirbhay: A person is bold if he is nirbhay. He knows the fear… is aware of it but he overcomes it through his mighty will. Just like the warriors.

Abhay: A person is said to be abhay when he is unaware fear. This is an idealistic state.When the Buddha was about to seek salvation all the Asurs and devtas attacked him so that he became afraid and his meditation is spoiled….the devtas were afraid of buddha's tapas as they thought he was doing it to dethrone them from their respective heavenly positions…..but the Buddha seeked enlightment…he had abhayum as he saw oneness in the universe…it’s like my hand moves towards me is there a reason I should fear it??So the Buddha which means the awakend one didn’t recognize fear….ultimately made him what he was. i.e The Awaken one (Buddha)

Buddhism talks about mortal human beings as well. On the same lines it encourages people to do good always….why?? because they firmly believe in oneness of the universe just like the Buddha believed. Doing good to others is doing good to your own self…and vice versa.

Now the question arises that is it possible that mortal people like us to have these qualities. I’d say why not. In fact the goal of religion is the same. Be it any religion….every religion talks about Vedanta…the philosophy of fearlessness.
Ever religion talks about fear nothing but god.
Every individual has a certain quotient of these qualities…we’ve acted defiantly sometimes or the other in our lives when we felt like taking a decision and going with it.It is the abstraction of the same.Vivekananda wasn’t vivekananda since childhood….he was Narendra….but even as a child he saw qualities of Abhayam…under his guru he expanded this reserve of abhayam which brought dept in his meditation which ultimately helped him to stick to his quest for the ultimate truth without getting distracted by various forms of fear.
Arjuna got afraid before the battle of Kurukshetra….as he didn’t wan’t to draw weapons against his own beloved people…..He was a warrior….he had Nirbhayam…no doubt….but Krishna showed him the “virat swaroop” and cleared his doubts that it is Krishna himself who is present everywhere in friends and foes equally….so there is nothing to fear as such as is he who is present every where….Arjuna like the others is just a tool which is used to execute things planned by him….every single organism has a part to play in things planned…..may be that is why committing suicide is considered sinful by all religions as it indicates the will of an individual to walk out of the script voluntarily…which is like disrespectful for the god as he is the one who knows our capabilities and assigns works, tasks or problems accordingly….quitting therefore should never be considered as an option.
Now the question arises: Was the suicides committed by the freedom fighters (like Azadjee)and war widows during ancient times were sinful….the answer is an emphatic no…why??….is there a logical explanation to it….yes….god is god and men are men because

“God sees motives men see actions”-Anonymous

Sacrificing for the sake of honor has to be treated differently…..i’d say it is not an act of cowardice….but an example of Nirbhayam at it’s heights.

As knowledge is useful only if it applicable to real life ….let us try and map these things to real life situations….We do not have to face situations as the great Arjuna every day…but on careful examination we will see that more often in life we neeed to take decisions….whereby the choices are limited and the things are not as clear and specific as black and white……there are shades of grey though which cloud the mind…..fear..accompanied by doubt surround us and under such pressure cooker situations we need to take decisions….what we crave for in the background is fearlessness….so that we can take a decision and stick to it.

Hostel Life...

I had an opportunity to be a boarder during the four yrs of my graduation. If someone asks me now ,if I really enjoyed my hostel life…..I wouldn’t be able to give an instantaneous answer. Learning is a painful process. We need to put in some effort to learn a new skill or a chapter for our exams or anything else. Learning means some wear and tear…may be physically or mentally. So I’d say….my days in the hostel were a learning experience….on one hand there was the pain of learning on the other…the joy of having learned some valuable lessons of life….it was quite paradoxical indeed. I confronted life as it would be to any individual irrespective of the social background he came from. So you were known as a certain individual rather than who your father was, but there was obviously a group of people who liked being thrived upon the social status they had derived from their parents, this was the first glimpse of how small the society may be you’ll find al kind of people there…..I’m very sure this should be one of the major laws of sociology.
The hierarchy was set up within a few days….some of them were exempted for PDP sessions….but I guess we were the lucky ones as taking these sessions helped us to face our fears and stretch our limits of tolerance and suffering .Again learning…though it was painful it was rewarding at the same time as I was mentally tougher now.
First year days were the best in my life. I made some really good friends…..everyone was far away from home….every one was ready…ready to explore himself as an individual…within a short span of time I was lucky to make some very good friends….but I always craved for a group….I found my group in Samir, Spidy, Anshuman, Ankur and me(Some other friends were Arijit,Faizan,Veeru,Akash)…..we spent some unforgettable moments together…

“….the first of acquaintances will always be your good friends…..”
-hostel adage

Later during our college days we had many differences among ourselves…but today I discover that these are the names I can always trust.

First year days…(and long time after that as well)…I used to be a despo lad…(very normal for my age)….somewhere in my subconscious mind I was ready to have a crush on any of the eves in the college…I was lucky to find a girl on the very first day…but soon I realized that my desperate and unconventional attempts to talk to her, left her in jitters and she didn’t like me at all…..I tried to improve but every effort of mine worsened up things…so after 3 semesters of tireless efforts I decided to quit…again learning….which was painful but left me as a matured individual….(That is some reconciliation….:) )……So this time in the 4th sem I decided to have one major crush…and a series of crushes…..to balance any side effects…..I was such a fool though to practice such weird psychological theories….but by the time the college ended…all of these stories ended up as sweet yet heartbreaking memories….something of a
“dard-e-disco” .... …..it seems I should shift my focus to the hostel life from the college life....girls were an integral part of the life in the hostel though….we had loooooooooooooong discussions on every possible gurl on the campus….what made things worse was the fact that the girl’s hostel was out of campus…and our college was the only one to follow this tradition…as a result of which we suffered so much…(I hope the girls missed us as well)….One of the things that most of us enjoyed in the first year was hanging on our balconies and viewing the neighboring BimTech campus………..it was so disheartening to see couples walking within the campus at late nights…..some of us even went on to the extent of screaming at them….this was independence at it’s extreme…..later in the month we came to know that the BimTech authorities had reported the matter to our college authorities…much to our pride.
One of the things that I discovered staying there was my passion for walking…..we had a huge campus…..with lush green grounds……moreover I also enjoyed walking in the hostel corridors (nothing like it)…and of course the expressway…right in front of our college…..these sites are very close to my heart as I’ve some wonderful memories attached……

The Alpha Market was a happy hunting ground for us…….after the sessionals whereby most of the students went to the Noida Malls ,I preffered walking down to the Alpha market which was about 3km from the hostel……Walking the six lane highway was an experience of it’s kind……..I used to walk down merrily with the speeding motorcars zoom passing by me……..I enjoyed spending time with myself ,talking to myself on things which I thought no one else would lend a patient ear………On reaching alpha market the first thing which I did most of the time was to check out the khoka shop……and eat a pair of samosas and a chota pepsi…….what was special about these were the manner in which they were served i.e. with dahi and chatni…..and they had paneer stuffing……so it was like eating samosas and tikki at the same time something which I missed so much……………Then there was a “Mother Dairy” store….as well….which served delicious ice-creams …..a must hang out place after the hectic sesional season……we rarely found good food in the mess …..eating there was a formality …….”as the mess was quite a mess” most of the times…..so I enjoyed every bit of the small treat I gave myself  after the sessionals or the semesters….someone has rightly said

“Good things in life are for free”

 After the end of every semester Akash, Ankur and me checked out the alpha market and the khoka shop a tradition which we lived upto throughout our engineering. Often these trips where concluded by nightstays ,long walks,confiding secrets, investing faith,discussing the heart breaks and the heart aches …….things which bonded us as great friends.

 

...to be continued.......

Passing thought...

keeping things simple is sometimes the hardest thing to do....."knowing what you really wan't and making sincere efforts to get that" is something i try to do..... but the choices we have are always not so simple(bcoz i'm rarely sure about what i really want)....so we need to make decisions......this is what makes a difference between human beings.....making a right decision is not important (bcoz we cannot comment on it unless the result is there).....what is important is to make one...............i firmly believe in destiny....bcoz it helps me reconcile if I've made a wrong choice.........self preservation is what i seek for.
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Often we complain about life being unfair but then mostly we are unfair to life as it happens to us......though I'm not aware of what my aim in life is as complexity hinders my visibility to deal with simplicity.... I prefer being a wanderer roaming from place to place seeking joy ....and not happiness ,as it is mythical.....Slightly misanthropic......very moody....instinctive, as I feel no one understands oneself completely.....expect a lot from people whom I consider to be close......normally at peace with the surroundings but can turn into a hard hearted person when made upset.Often struck by irony and reconciliation which strengthens me as an individual....in short a human being.